I spent months in Europe.
I walked through the streets of France, explored Germany, and sat by the canals in Holland. If you followed me at the time, you saw what I saw: beautiful architecture, interesting items, and even a photo of how Coke cans look different over there.
You saw the buildings. You saw the scenery. But you never saw me.
I have a camera full of photos of myself from that trip that are currently collecting dust. I wouldn’t even download them onto my phone. Every time I hit the “playback” button on the camera to see a shot of me in front of the Eiffel Tower or a cobblestone street, I didn’t see a woman on the trip of a lifetime.
I saw a version of me I wasn’t ready to show. I felt too fat. I felt too “ugly.” I was waiting for that “perfect shot”—the one where the angle finally made me look like the version of myself I thought was worthy of a post.
I was saving the “Europe Post” for a girl who didn’t exist, while the girl who was actually there—the one who was breathing that air and walking those miles—was being deleted.
The buildings were important, but they weren’t the story. I was the story.
I’m done letting my life be a collection of scenery while I hide in the shadows. I’m downloading the photos. I’m looking at the girl in the playback. I’m letting her exist, even if she isn’t “perfect.”
Because she was there. And she deserves to be seen.
Do you have a ‘Coke bottle’ photo? Something you posted just to prove you were there, while the real you stayed hidden?
I have deleted so many important memories just because of the way I looked. I totally relate to this
I feel this in my soul. It’s wild how many core memories we’ve let hit the ‘trash’ bin just because the lighting was off or the angle didn’t feel ‘perfect’ in the moment.
Only to realize years later that those are the exact memories we’re desperate to have back! I mean, I’ve literally found myself deep-diving into a high school boyfriend’s Facebook page just to hunt down and download old prom photos. PROM PHOTOS! Come on. I know when I’m older, I’m going to want to look back on those versions of myself, bad hair and all.
Maybe it’s maturity, or maybe it’s just that I’m finally tired of being such a harsh critic, but I’m done. Whether I post the photo or just keep it for me, I’m not hiding from the camera or deleting those precious moments anymore. I really hope you’ll join me in that. Our ‘unseen footage’ deserves a home, too.
Definitely a behind the camera person in my life rather than in front of it.
There is so much power in that perspective, and honestly, a lot of comfort in the wings, too. Being behind the camera gives you a view of the ‘raw cuts’ that most people miss.
But I’m learning (slowly) that the person holding the lens is just as much a part of the story as what’s being filmed. You deserve to be in the footage, too—not just the ‘perfect’ takes, but any and every version of yourself. Your story is worth being seen, even when it feels like a work in progress. We’re all just trying to make sense of the frames we’ve got, but I’m really glad you’re on this set with me.