I used to think of my body as a project I could eventually use for revenge.
I had this specific vision of a “transformation” that would act as a final, silent weapon. I imagined walking into a room—a high school reunion, a grocery store in my hometown, a family gathering—and being so “perfect” that the people who were cruel to me in my youth would finally feel the weight of their mistakes. I wanted my hip bones to be a reproach. I wanted my fitness to be their punishment.
But there is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes with trying to build a masterpiece out of spite.
I realized that as long as I was trying to get skinny to “show them,” I was still letting them hold the measuring tape. I was still waking up every morning and asking their ghosts for permission to feel good about myself. I was trapped in a cycle where my value was still tied to their cruelty—I just wanted to be on the winning side of it for once.
Every mile on the treadmill was fueled by bitterness. I wasn’t running toward health; I was running away from the girl they mocked. Every meal I skipped or meticulously tracked wasn’t an act of discipline; it was an offering to people who haven’t thought about me in ten years.
I wasn’t getting healthy. I was just sharpening myself into a blade, hoping that if I got thin enough, I would finally be sharp enough to cut back.
But a ceasefire means you have to actually put the weapons down. You have to realize that the person you’re really stabbing with that blade is yourself.
Lately, I’ve been trying to move my body just because it feels good to breathe. I’m eating things that make me feel nourished, not things that make me feel “disciplined” in a way that hurts. I’m learning that the most radical thing I can do isn’t to finally win their approval—it’s to become so indifferent to it that I forget to check if they’re watching.
The best “revenge” isn’t a body they’d admire. It’s a life where their opinions are no longer the gravity that holds me down.
I am tired of being a weapon. I’m ready to just be a person.
Who are the ‘ghosts’ you’ve been trying to prove yourself to? What would your day look like tomorrow if you stopped asking for their permission to exist?
Production Notes: Tools for the Ceasefire
• The “Unfollow” Audit: Go through your social media today. If an account feels like a “sharpening stone” for that blade of spite, let it go. You don’t owe anyone your attention while you’re trying to heal.
• A New Script: If you find yourself on the treadmill or in the kitchen “performing” for ghosts, stop. Take three deep breaths and ask: “What would I choose right now if I were the only person left on earth?”
• The Reading List: For anyone struggling with the “Revenge Body” myth, I highly recommend “The Body Is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor. It’s the ultimate manual for calling a ceasefire.