She never could lose the weight, and she never understood why.
She spent her years trying to get fit, skinny, or “healthy” for everyone and everything else. She was performing a role she never auditioned for.
She wanted the doctors to stop blaming her biology for her every ailment. She wanted to prove to her family—the ones who watched her plate with silent judgment—that she was capable of the kind of discipline they valued. She even wanted to use her transformation as a weapon—a silent “f-you” to the people who were cruel to her when she was young.
But the truth is, it was me.
I was the reason she couldn’t lose the weight or feel beautiful. I was just as cruel as they were— maybe more. I proved she couldn’t believe in herself by talking down to her. I hid her away in oversized clothes and cancelled plans, dulling her confidence just like everyone else had. I silenced her wins and ignored her potential because I was waiting for her to be “perfect” before I loved her.
To every version of the girl in these photos, at every stage of her life: I am sorry for the pain I inflicted on us. I’m sorry I treated you like a problem to be solved instead of a person to be held.
I know words can be empty, so I’m letting my actions speak for me now. I promise to post us so we’re no longer hiding in the background of our own memories. I promise to celebrate even the smallest of wins. I promise to be kind, gentle, and—for the first time—immensely PROUD of you, me, us.
P.S. This is the first of many truths I’m tired of hiding. Welcome to my journey of learning to be on my own side.
I need to start being kinder to myself too. Such beautiful words
Thank you so much for those kind words. It is certainly a process—one I am still very much navigating myself. I’ve only just started to lean into the idea of speaking to myself with grace instead of a script of critique.
I don’t think any of us ever truly become ‘experts’ at self-kindness, but why should that stop us from trying? We’re allowed to be beginners for as long as we need. We are all just learning to be better Directors of our own stories, one ‘microscopic win’ at a time. So glad you’re here in the ceasefire with me.